STUDENT WORK: JOURNALS
Student Journals SPC 103
In some of the interpersonal communication classes, students are required to keep a journal. Journal entries allow students to take concepts and skills from class and apply them to their everyday lives.
Here are some of the journal entries written by students, in their original form. Because of the personal nature of some entries, students will not be identified. These are just a few of the topics students may write about in their journals:
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Think of a person that you usually do not get along with and have a difficult time listening to. The next time you interact with this person, try to be an empathic listener. How did being an empathic listener affect the interaction you had with the person?
- Student A:
We did come to a better understanding. I was able to keep my temper in check and sympathize with the other person involved. I let them explain to me why they felt the way they did, and I also asked if there was any way I could improve their current situation. This conversation, unlike others, did not build tension between us and did not lead to yelling and screaming. I have decided that from now on, I will try to be a more empathic listener. This way of listening is beneficial to all parties involved. It can also help reduce stress and anger. In some cases, the yelling and screaming cannot be avoided. However, if anything could help to reduce the yelling and screaming it would be more empathic listening on both parts. - Student C:
I really do not quarrel with anyone. In fact, I've never been much of an arguer. I'm sure there are a lot of people who know me who would laugh at that statement. I'm not saying that I'm passive, just peace loving. I'm really good at compromising in order to gain peace.
I think I am a very empathic listener. I can easily see others' points-of-view and I often wonder why most people do not even try to see anyone else's point-of-view.
I feel I'm always listening for the underlying reasons and meanings behind people's words. As a person who values being understood, I am always trying to understand other people's communication. Not just the words they are using, but what they really mean and sometimes what their lack of words mean. I'm very analytical, so I tend to analyze it all. I'm also a very questioning listener. I ask a lot of "why do you feel that way?" questions. I've found that communicating with males is interesting because they seem to be very surface communicators. My various conversations with my husband over the past 20+ years has led me to believe that men are not only surface communicators who can't answer "why do you feel that way?", but they are in general surface thinkers. They seem to be not all that deep. They often have no hidden feelings or meanings behind their words. I know I've just made a huge generalization about men, but that has been my experience with a lot of men. And because of this style of communication, I find men are usually not the best listeners. - Student D:
The two people that I have the most trouble communicating with are my parents. Since high school, I have had constant arguments and rarely see eye-to-eye. This weekend, for example, we had a big blow-up. Due to work and school, I am rarely home.
This time, though, I tried to relate to what they were saying. They wish me to be home to help with some of the everyday chores because they both work full-time, and my father, lately, is working a lot of overtime. Therefore, none of us have much time to work at home. After realizing that this argument was not just a whim from my parents, but had a true purpose, I agreed.
If I had not listened carefully, I may have thought this argument was much like past ones in which my parents railed on me for spending too much time at work or at my girlfriend's house.
The benefits of empathic listening are obvious. I understood more of what my parents were trying to tell me instead of jumping to my own conclusions. I will try to continue this method.
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Can you recall an occasion when you and another listener understood a message very differently? Explain it in detail. What caused the difference? How did you finally reach an understanding? If you could go back and start all over again, what would you do to increase the level of understanding and overall effectiveness in the interaction?
- Student A:
Tonight my boyfriend and I were talking about trying to make some time to spend with each other. I had told him that I had some things I needed to get done first, and then I would go out. So, he went out and rented movies, expecting me to be able to do something. However, things took longer than I anticipated, so I wasn't able to go out. He got upset with me because when I said I would try if I could, that meant to him that I would. Finally, we reached an understanding when I explained how I expected things to go smoothly, and how things didn't go as planned. If I could start that all over again, I would have been more forward, and told him how things could go either way, and not to wait for me. - Student C:
Last week I told my husband to meet me at the Showplace 12 at 10:00 P.M. So, I break all speed records to get there by 10. I arrive and I look all around, I can't find him. So, I look around the parking lot, I find his car and I think maybe he's napping. So, I walk out there, no one is in the car. So, I walk back up to the entrance, look around and wait and wait. I can't go in, cause I don't have a ticket and he knows that - he was supposed to bring the money. I walk into the lobby, look around, he's nowhere to be seen. So, I figure he's gone in without me. I go through my purse, scratch enough odd change for a movie ticket. I'm fuming by this time! I walk through the little gate and start to go toward the theater where the movie is. I find him sitting in a far part of the lobby, tickets in hand, wondering why I am late! How was I supposed to see him in from the front when he's sitting back in a corner that can't be seen from the front?
I show him that I've bought my own ticket and I'm sure he can tell I'm a little upset (smoke coming out of my ears).
I told this story to illustrate how I felt I had given clear verbal expectations - meet me at 10:00 at Showplace, buy the tickets, see ya there. Obviously, my message lacked some precise terminology like - wait for me outside in front or wait for me in a place in the lobby where I can see you! I guess to me that was sort of understood, but he didn't get that in the message he received! Men!
Next time, I will be very specific about who, when, where, and how in my message.
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What kind of messages can you send by saying nothing at all?
- Student A:
You can send many different messages by saying nothing at all. If you are having an argument with someone and you stop talking to them they will probably assume that you are too angry to finish the discussion. You can say "yes" or "no" by nodding or shaking your head. You can say "okay" with a hand gesture. You can also say "hello", "good-bye", "come here", and "stop" all with hand gestures. People can also tell what mood you are in by looking at your facial expressions whether you are happy, sad, angry, tired, surprised, frightened, interested, or disgusted. You can also say "peace" by using a hand gesture. - Student C:
People send all kinds of messages by saying nothing at all. The problem with being silent is that the other person can interpret that silence in a million different ways. Silence can be misinterpreted as a lack of concern, lack of knowledge, or indifference. I find silence in many people, plus a lack of nonverbal cues is almost impossible to read accurately.
It's much easier to read silence when nonverbal cues are apparent. Usually, you can read a person's face and know from the expressions that they are mad, tired, happy, sad, surprised, cranky, confused, or worried. Some people are easier to read than others. I am totally transparent in that if I am feeling a certain way it is usually written all over my face. However, not everyone is so easily read. I find people to be more like actors than real, so they try hard to hide expressions of their feelings.
Although many have control over their facial expressions, usually other body language or movements will give some sort of indication of their condition. For example, if a person is tired, their body posture will usually be less rigid or upright than if they've just had a good night's sleep. If a person is happy, their body posture will be all perky and their movements will be quicker.
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Is there is a stage of the conversational process that you have more difficulty with than others? Which stage or stages? What can you do to make that stage more comfortable and more effective?
- Student B:
I think the one stage of the conversation process that I am just terrible at is the closing stage. I absolutely hate being the one to end a conversation. I just feel rude to be the one to end it, because if the person talking wanted to say more, I wouldn't have noticed because I was too worried about how to end/close the conversation.
I guess the only way I can make that stage more comfortable and effective would be to just do it. If I were to practice it, maybe it would become natural to end a conversation when it is done. I would just dread doing that though, but I guess I should.
- Student C:
I have problems with the opening of the conversations, especially with people I don't know. I'm not very good at small talk and I often can't instantly see a connection to a stranger. If I'm at a party or complete strangers, I would probably gravitate to a lonely corner. I just don't know where to start with new people.
I really want to get over the awkwardness of meeting new people, I just don't know how. If I have at least one person present who can make that initial introduction, I do fine. I can work a room once I've been introduced.
I am a competent communicator in various settings, I just experience a lot of apprehension in the opening of a conversation. I guess I need to force myself into these situations and practice introducing myself and starting up a conversation until I feel comfortable doing it.
- Student D:
The most difficult part of a conversation for me is the opening and feedforward. I have always had a difficult time making "small talk" before talking business. The reason for this difficult is the absurdity of talking about the weather when your goal is getting a job at a company or withdrawing money from an account. Another big problem is opening a conversation with a stranger. For some reason, strangers walk up to me and begin conversations. I am too stunned to speak, though I am an outgoing person (outside class).
To make the feedforward part of the conversation more comfortable, I am going to try to think of it more as speaking to a friend (that I don't know). I may talk of what I have done this week or what I hope to do. As for opening conversations with strangers, I will try to make pretty much the same approach.
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Choose a relationship you have formed in the last few years that is important to you. What stages has this relationship progressed through? Do you expect it to progress through any additional stages? Why/Why not? Do you think the six-stage process adequately explains how this relationship developed? Did your relationship skip some stages? Explain.
- Student B:
For the past two years I have been seeing this guy and we have definitely made it past the first three stages. Unfortunately we have gotten stuck in the deterioration stage. We both know we are not satisfied with our relationship right now, but we don't know how to repair it. We've discussed the deterioration, but as for what needs to be done next, we haven't a clue. So we definitely want to go to the repair stage. Will we get there? I have no idea.
I think the six-stage process adequately explains how our relationship developed. It generally explains it anyway. We went through each stage just fine, we just can't find time to repair. I think the relationship could go either way, repair or dissolution. We'll just have to see.
- Student D:
One of the most important relationships I have is that between my fiancé, and myself. Our relationship has progressed through many stages.
We began at the contact stage. I was friends with fiancé's sister, so my fiancé and I interacted often. Then, once we felt comfortable around each other, we moved on to the involvement stage. We began dating, holding hands, and becoming more open with each other. I told her things that I had told no one before and she did the same. We, within the last one and a half years, have also moved into the intimacy stage. We share mutual friends and have increased our closeness toward one another. My satisfaction in the relationship has also improved.
We have not, and I hope will never, move through the last three stages of the model, though I have with other friends.
The six-stage model, in my opinion, adequately shows how most relationships work. With my fiancé, it has only been three steps, but with an ex-friend, it went through all six.
- Student C:
I met my (new) best friend about four years ago. I met her via mutual friends. My first impression was that she was a very funny, happy person. We almost instantly moved to the involvement stage. We would talk for hours asking each other all kinds of questions. Both of us were very anxious to know everything about each other. The relationship definitely intensified rapidly. We spoke on the phone at least once a day, sometimes more than that.
It's funny that it did not take very long and we were best friends. In fact it felt as if we'd always known each other. We were/are best friends. We were often together during weekends and socially we were hardly ever seen apart. If you saw one of us, you saw both of us. I wouldn't say that our relationship has deteriorated, but it has changed. We don't speak every day and we don't spend every Saturday together. Both our lives are very busy (school, children, husbands). But we both know we can pick up the phone anytime we need each other. We often restart a conversation where we left off when we spoke last.
We have had very similar life experiences and are both in similar circumstances right now. She is just beginning her college education at 38 and I'm continuing mine at 43. I'm her "phone-a-friend," and she is my support on days that I wanted to quit.
I think our relationship followed the six-step process. We have only had one rough bump in four years and we repaired the problem and became even closer.
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Suppose that you and a member of your family are having a disagreement. What are some benefits that the two of you can achieve by facing and resolving the conflict? Be specific.
- Student A:
Some of the benefits we could achieve by facing and resolving the conflict would be getting to know the other person's feelings on the subject, getting to know what each other want, getting the problem out in the open so that it does not fester, and preventing resentment and hostilities. If there is no conflict out in the open the person causing the problem will not know that they are doing anything wrong. They will continue to act as they have in the past and nothing will get solved. By facing the conflict the two people get their feelings out in the open. This is healthy for the relationship. It will also make the relationship more satisfying. Trying to resolve the conflict also shows that the relationship is worth the effort. It indicates concern, commitment, and a desire to protect and preserve the relationship. - Student B:
A conflict with me and my mother can have many positive effects. For example, it allows us to hear what the other person is feeling. It also allows us to see how the other person saw an event. It's amazing to see how many different perceptions people can have about the same situation. It also forces us to come to a compromise. Even just agreeing to disagree is hard to do because we both like to have the last word. So it's like we view ending an argument, as though the one that ends it is the more powerful, ant the other is the weaker. However, a conflict does potentially allow both of us to get what we want. Plus, after the conflict is resolved, we both feel better because we have a better understanding of each other. - Student C:
It is very detrimental to ignore conflict, especially when it is obviously present. When my husband and I have a conflict (and we've had a few in 24 years), I've found it is best to air our views as soon as the conflict arises. This helps us prevent gunnysacking, and it helps us to walk toward resolution. I've found if we discuss it immediately, it prevents the conflict from growing and ultimately avalanching into a major ordeal. A conflict cannot be resolved if it not brought out into the open where both parties are aware of it.
By facing the conflict, we can work together to solve it. This working together can work to increase our cohesiveness as a couple. Most of the time by airing our views, we learn more about each other and sometimes even learn about ourselves more.
To ignore or fail to discuss our conflicts, we can build up walls of resentment and create strain on our relationship. I've found it is healthier for the relationship if both people openly share conflicts with each other as they occur.
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