ACT ONE SCENE TWO

Scene:  An airport.  A young couple embrace.  Both are excited and nervous.

 

Charles:  (after hugging) Hey.  (laughs)

Amanda:  What’s so funny?

Charles:  You smell like Chinese food.

Amanda:  (fake smile) Oh…

Charles:  I love you.

Amanda:  I…I can’t believe I’m really standing here.  What a flight.  We didn’t even leave British Columbia for at least an hour, and I sat next to this old guy who kept nodding like this  (demonstrates quick repetitive nod), and he was talking to me, and…and after awhile I think I started nodding too.

Charles:  I love you, Manda, I do.  (pause)  Say it.

Amanda:  I…love you Charles.

Charles:  Oh—  (hugs her again) Here, let me look at you.  (stands back admiring)  Oh Wow.  You’re like…a cup of coffee…with no artificial sweeteners.

Amanda:  (chuckles) Did you just make that up?

Charles:  I have all of your letters right here—  (starts to shuffle letters)

Amanda:  Let’s go get my bags—

Charles:  Oh man, I love you so much.  My friend Trevor— you’ll meet him— he tells me I’m crazy for meeting a girl over the Internet.  He said they never look like they do in their pictures-

Amanda:  —but I never sent you any pictures—

Charles:  —but I’ll tell you the same thing I told him.  Honestly.  I always mess up relationships by doing the “sex thing” first, ya know?  Without…having…or, well, knowing her first.  Knowing the person.  But it’s (pause), it’s different this time.  We’ve talked and talked — well — typed and typed, and I feel like I’ve known you for years.  We have that…friendship, that…understanding that a lot of people pass up these days, confusing…ya know…love with lust, and making the mistake of—

Amanda:  (takes three of his fingers in her hand and places them on his lips to shush him up)  I want to screw.

Charles:  (at a loss for words)…I uh…(quickly nodding) I know this great hotel with a hot tub and mirrors that cover all the walls, and a king size-

Amanda:  (this time she places her own fingers on his lips, with a laugh) Slow down there, tiger.  (laughs again)  You’re cute.  (gently touches his face)  Let’s go get my bags.

(The couple walks over to baggage claim.)

Charles:  So…

Amanda:  So…so, what did you think, or do you (tiny laugh), I mean, what did you think of me when I first walked off the plane?

Charles:  First impressions?

Amanda:  First impressions.

Charles:  Honestly?

Amanda:  Honestly.

Charles:  You have big hips.

Amanda:  I do not!

Charles:  No, I like big hips!

Amanda:  I do not have big hips!

Charles:  But you asked me what I—

Amanda:  Never mind, I guess I shouldn’t have-

Charles:  (struggling to rectify) I’m sorry, I’m seriously not trying to insult you…I…it’s hard to explain.  It’s like there’s a certain…look that I like…but not really.  I don’t even like skinny girls—

Amanda:  So now I have big hips and I’m fat—

Charles:  No, I—

Amanda:  Never mind, it’s ok—

Charles:  You don’t understand.

Amanda:  I do understand.  You think I have a big bum.

Charles:  (in his best cockney) She’s got a big bum, mate.  (can see she’s irritated)  Relax, you look fine.

Amanda:  Oh, I look fine, eh?  Fine, like a cup of coffee fine…with no artificial sweeteners but in a big fat mug, is that what you’re—

Charles:  No, I— (sighs) Never mind, you wouldn’t even understand-

Amanda:  Understand what?

Charles:  Understand that…looks don’t really mean that much to me at all.

Amanda:  Yeah.  Uh-huh.  (raises an eyebrow).

Charles:  I’m serious.  (silence)  Never mind.

Amanda:  What…?

Charles:  What what?

Amanda:  Why looks don’t mean that much to you what.  That’s what.

Charles:  “It’s nothing, it’s hard to explain.

Amanda:  Try me.

Charles:  No, we can talk about it later.  Like I said, it’s—

Amanda:  -hard to explain.  We’re waiting for my damn luggage.  What better time than the present to try.  (silence)  C’mon…I want to know everything about you.

Charles:  (signs – long pause) Ok.  I’m…on the Internet…well, a lot.  A lot.  And you see all kinds of…things.  Everything.  Anything you could ever imagine.  And the women.  (pause)  There are literally hundreds of thousands of portraits of women.

Amanda:  You mean porn.

Charles:  Let me finish—

Amanda:  Ok, but you are talking about nudie pictures, eh?

Charles:  Well—

Amanda:  I mean, that’s fine, just don’t call them ‘portraits’ like you’re talking about the damn Mona Lisa—

Charles:  It’s just that…there are women everywhere on the Internet.  Everywhere.  Women of every shape, size, color, height, weight, skin tone, sexual preference,  (small pause) whether it be straight, bi-, tri-, whatever!  All over the place!  And they’re all…looking at you.  (pause)

Amanda:  And it’s—

Charles:  —hold on, let me finish.  This is the part that’s hard to explain.  (pause)  After a while, you see all these beautiful, gorgeous, physically fit buxom blondes, brunettes, redheads.  Truly fantastic girls…and…it’s like…(pause) that’s what they become…fantastic…a sort of…fantasy, ya know?  And after a while, you become, or I become…(searching for the word) desensitized to the beauty.  You look so closely…and you notice that there is not a single scar or imperfection on their entire bodies.

Amanda:  That’s because professional air-brushers ‘touch up’ the photograph before the final image is displayed—

Charles:  —I know!  You can get lost in the…pure falseness of the beauty.  You look closer, and all it is…all it is, is a bunch of perfectly colored pixels that, when combined, form a…false image of what…ya know, the ‘All-American’ beauty should look like!  It’s bullshit!

Amanda:  So why does this bother you so much?  I mean, it’s just porn for God’s sake—

Charles:  —I don’t wanna talk about this anymore.

Amanda:  Why?

Charles:  I can’t!  I don’t want to!

Amanda:  Charles…

Charles:  (sighs-long pause) It’s like…I’ve never told anyone this.  (laughs)  And I have no clue

why I’m telling you—

Amanda:  —cause you don’t know me—

Charles:  No, I do know you, and that’s why I’ll tell you.  (pause)  Any more…when I get…intimate with a girl — it’s like I…automatically…I mean when like…she’s naked, I’ll… (pause) look for the pixels.  (pause)  Does that make any sense?

Amanda:  No, but keep going, ‘cause I think I know what you’re getting at—

Charles:  It’s like, I’ll already…expect a girl to be perfect.  Ya know, no scars, no blemishes, no imperfections.  All perfectly airbrushed organized pixels all in their own little place.  I expect—

Amanda:  —perfection.  But girls aren’t perfect.

Charles:  I know, and it’s seriously affecting my sex life.  And that’s my problem.  The moment of intimacy comes, and I see…I can see…the real thing, the real deal.  The stretch marks, the scars, the freckles, everything!  And it’s like my mind fixates on those tiny imperfections!  I… I freeze up… and it just doesn’t hap— (pause) it’s like I can’t.  I can’t do it!

Amanda:  Can’t what?  Be with them?

Charles:  I don’t know.  Like I said, it’s hard to explain.  But the point is this:  you asked my first impression of you.  But what you were really asking was—

Amanda:  —how I looked.

Charles:  How you looked.  I don’t really know any other way to say this, but I need more than looks!  How do you look?  Boom.  Big hips.  Imperfection.

Amanda:  I thought you said you liked big hips?

Charles:  I lied!  I don’t!  And that’s my problem!  I don’t know what I like!  The world’s most gorgeous super-model walks off the plane right now and asks me my first impression, I’d be like:  Boom.  I dunno… your ears are weird.

Amanda:  Maybe you’re gay…

Charles:  (laughs) No.  Not even.  No, I like women, but it’s like I need something more than just looks.  Something that goes way beyond physical beauty.  (on a second thought)  I guess I’m looking for…

Amanda:  …what?…

Charles:  A connection.

Amanda:  A connection.

Charles:  To be so in love with someone, you could… you could hold an entire conversation with that person without ever moving your lips.  To feel what they feel.  To understand each other.  That… connection. 

Amanda:  I see.  Kinda like you’re searching for a female version of yourself?

Charles:  And that’s how I felt with you!  That connection!  After months and months of just… conversation.  I felt that!  I felt that!  You like chicken and dumplings.  I like chicken and dumplings!  You like the Doors.  I like the Doors.  You said you love spontaneous, off-the-wall, crazy things that prove your love.  Things that (laughs) normal people would never do, unless they’re completely nuts!  Me too!  Different, unique, crazy, wacky things.  So I thought, the hell with flowers, I wanted to give you this. (produces gift)

Amanda:  (takes the gift in her hands) What is—

Charles:  Open it!

Amanda:  (opens the small box with delicacy) Really, you—  (looks inside the box, wide-eyed, then lets out a high-pitched scream)

Charles:  (quickly pulls out a piece of paper) Here, this will help explain—

Amanda:  It’s a dead bird!  (drops the box, backing away)

Charles:  It’s a dove!  Here, listen a second, this will explain.  (prepares to read)

Amanda:  What the—

Charles:  (reciting)                     Inside this universal realm

                                                A wondrous sky behold

                                                A bluer blue with clouds of white

                                                Treetops of green and gold.

                                                Inside this never-ending sky

                                                There flies alive a dove  (motions to dove)

Amanda:  It’s dead—

Charles:  (continues)                  He soars and searches day and night

                                                For his eternal love.

Amanda:  So you killed him?

Charles:  (undaunted)                 Inside this dove a symbol of

                                                A love this dove doth bring

Amanda:  doth?

Charles:                                  To look inside, to find, my love

                                                To you, from me, a-  (stops)

Amanda:  (waits) …what?

Charles:  —do you understand?

Amanda:  No.

Charles:  I love you.

Amanda:  Charles, you just gave me a dead bird.  (her luggage finally surfaces)  Here, here’s my luggage (gathers bags).  Finally.  Let’s go.

Charles:  (repeating) Inside this dove a symbol of love this dove doth bring.  To look inside to find my love, to you, from me, a— (pause)

Amanda:  (pause, starts to understand) Please, please tell me you didn’t put a ring inside of this bird.

Charles:  (drops to one knee) Will you marry me?

Amanda:  No.

Charles:  Marry me!

Amanda:  No!

Charles:  No?  But… but you said… but I got you—

Amanda:  A bird.

Charles:  A ring!

Amanda:  A dead bird.

Charles:  Manda—

Amanda:  Charles… oh wow… (laughs, pause)

Charles:  I—

Amanda:  Charles!  Look.  My name’s not really Manda.  I mean, it is but I’m not a-Manda.  Well, I am, but… (frustrated) look.  This is gonna be really hard for you to take, but… I’m not the same Amanda you were talking to all these months on the Internet.  I mean, her real name is Tracie.  I E.  She, uh, borrowed my name all this time while talking to you.  So Charles, (extending hand) I’m Amanda.

Charles:  (doesn’t take her hand) I… I was… only jok—

Amanda:  —it’s real nice to meet you, but I’m sorry, I can’t marry you.  This has already gone way too—

Charles:  But why—

Amanda:  Hold on.  (sighs)  To be perfectly honest, she chickened out.  She got freaked at the last second, and — I mean, her parents didn’t want her to fly from Canada to the Midwest to meet some total stranger anyway.  I mean, she’s only sixteen.

Charles:  Sixteen!?!

Amanda:  Anyway, her dad convinced her that you were a psycho rapist.  Mr. Thompson (rolls her eyes, shakes her head).  He told her that she should stay exactly where she was, in beautiful British Columbia, where she’s always lived, and where she’ll probably remain until her last days on earth.  Don’t get me wrong, B.C. is beautiful, the climate’s great for her condition.  They have—

Charles:  (shakes his head) Wait a minute wait a minute.  So why the hell did you come?

Amanda:  She gave me the plane ticket.  It was non-refundable.  She got it over the Internet (rolls eyes).  She gave me the ticket, and three hundred dollars American and said, “Here!  Here’s a free vacation to the Midwest.  Enjoy!”  So I said, “What the hell!”  I had just broken off a long dysfunctional relationship, I needed a break, I’ve never been to the states.  And I decided to come to meet you.  And if you were a total flake, I was going to make you buy me all kinds of expensive and lovey-dovey things, and take me out to a few posh restaurants, and then ditch you and have a little vacation by myself.  Quite the shiner, eh?

Charles:  (looks with a straight face of hurt) Why did you tell me?

Amanda:  You just proposed to me with a dead bird.  I felt we were progressing a little too quickly for—

Charles:  There’s no ring inside.  I was just joking—

Amanda:  And let me guess, your name’s not really Charles…?

Charles:  I still love her—

Amanda:  Forget her!  She’s sixteen!  She’s ill.  She doesn’t want you.

Charles:  (shakes his head, puts his wrist to his lips, thinking) No.

Amanda:  Forget her.  Let’s go have a … (gets closer) good time.

Charles:  Look, Amanda, or (laughs) whatever your name is.  I’m sorry you came all this way.  But — I can’t… I still… I—

Amanda:  You still what?

Charles:  I still feel it.  So strong.  I’m sorry.  I’m really sorry.  (starts to walk away)

Amanda:  Charles.  (he continues to depart)  Charles…

Tracie:  Charles!!!

            (He stops and slowly turns.  Standing next to Amanda is a girl with long dark hair.  She is far from beautiful, rather plain looking in fact.  She wears glasses and a sincere smile on her face, and holds a teddy bear in her hands.  Charles slowly approaches the ladies, not taking his eyes off this girl)

Tracie:  Hi—

Charles:  You’re…

Tracie:  I’m not sixteen…

Charles:  You’re…

Tracie:  And I’m not sick.  (elbows Amanda, both girls laugh)

Amanda:  OW!

Charles:  But—

Tracie:  I’m sorry I lied about my name all along.  I really wanted to tell you, but after a time, it was already too late.

Charles:  You…

Amanda:  (to Tracie)  He did pretty well—

Charles:  you’re…

Tracie:  …what…

Charles:  You’re beautiful…

Tracie:  (blushes) Hi, I’m Tracie…  (extends her hand nervously)  Sorry for all the…

Charles:  — (takes her hand in his) Charles.

Tracie:  I… feel the connection too.

Charles:  There’s…so much—

Tracie:  —this is for you (hands him the teddy bear).  I named him Charlie.  I E.

Charles:  Charlie… (looks at the bear)  He’s great.

Tracie:  Smell him, he’s got my perfume on him.

            (Charles raises the bear to his nose and inhales slowly and dramatically.  As he does this, Tracie takes her hands and smashes both sides of the bear, causing a flow to issue forth from a hole in the bear’s neck into Charles’ face.  Charles lets out a small scream of surprise.  Both girls laugh.)

Tracie:  It’s shaving cream…

Charles:  (stunned)  —you… you put shaving cream inside… the bear?  That’s sick!

Tracie:  (smiling) I know. 

Charles:  I love you.

Tracie:  (sincerely) I love you too.

            (They kiss…fade.)